Is my childhood really underlying my adult difficulties?
It’s a bit of a chiché that we see in pop culture all the time: a client lies down on the therapy couch and the therapist intrsucts “tell me about your mother”. And I’ll admit, in my early years of study to become a psychologist, I certaintly had a few eye-roll moments when I was ultimately led back to childhood experiences as underlying causes for much adult distress - thinking to myself “Childhood again? Surely as adults we have more control over how we think, behave, and feel!”
However, I sit here now as a practising Clinical Psychologist who witnesses day-in-day-out the immense impact our early years have on shaping who we are and how we respond to life challenges well into adulthood.
So, let me take you through some examples of what both the evidence-base and my clinical experience has to offer.
We all, at some point or another, experience distress and difficulty in life. Many people don’t understand the important role their childhood plays in contributing to the creation of, or response to, these difficulties. In particular, for people who experience ongoing periods of anxiety, low mood, low self-esteem, or relationship issues (yes, people pleasers, this includes you!), it is likely that the root of these issues is in their early years. Often our childhood experiences are not fully acknowledged or understood at the time (we’re only kids!), so it’s easy to dismiss or overlook them later in life too.
Have a look below at some common adulthood challenges and possible links to childhood environment:
Difficulty Setting Boundaries
You may feel unable to say no or put others' needs before your own. This may be accompanied by feelings of anxiety, fear of abandonment, or worrying about not being liked. Often, adults with these difficulties learnt as children that their needs weren’t as important as others. Perhaps your parents were busy with work or other siblings, you were in a caretaking role, or maybe you became a peacekeeper between family members.
Perfectionism
Closely tied to a sense of never being good enough, striving for perfection can be exhausting. Often involving rigid rules and a strong sense of pressure and stress, perfectionism doesn’t tend to randomly appear out of nowhere one day. There’s a range of possible childhood connections here, but often underlying all of them is a strong connection between self-worth and performance. Perhaps you grew up in an environment where praise was scarce, expectations were high, or achievements were valued more than emotional support.
Social Anxiety
Axniety around social interactions, avoiding close connections, or fearing judgment of others can make it hard to build fulfilling and meaningful relationships. These difficulties may be linked to bullying, being excluded, or feeling like you didn’t quite fit in. You may have had experiences of harsh criticism or humiliation and learnt that there are parts of yourself you should hide from others. Perhaps there was a family culture of ‘jokes’ that went too far or competitiveness and winning.
Emotional Disconnection
Finding it hard to connect emotionally with others, or feeling like you're always trying to please others, can make relationships feel unfulfilling. You might feel numb or disconnected from yourself as well, unsure of how you’re feeling even when significant things happen. Perhaps you grew up with unavailable parents - maybe they were a single parents, or often at work, or had their own mental health difficulties. Or maybe they were physically present but emotionally unavailable. Ultimately, you learnt to protect yourself from things happening (or not happening) to you by detaching from emotion and connection.
Whilst this is only a very small snippet into some possible childhood experiences that underly adulthood distress, I hope it’s illustrated some connections here that may be important in you reflecting on your own experiences and how they may have shaped you.
If you would like support with current difficulties and better understand how they link to your childhood or familial experiences, feel free to reach out with a therapy enquiry.
